"A heart-felt letter in honor of the engagement of _______ & _______"
I am writing a heart-felt letter to you. I am grateful for your desire to be married
at St. _______ Cathedral overseas in _______. For
this, you two are to be commended. It is
a sign that both of you who are baptized and confirmed Catholics want to approach
this new chapter in your life the right way according to the teachings of Christ
and His Bride, the Church.
As today is Ash Wednesday (which is the beginning of Lent),
it is most fitting because it is a time of new beginnings. We crossed paths through the wonders of
technology and media. I had hoped to
have further conversations in person, so much of what I write below would have
been said in person. Some of that
conversation involves not just the paper work and bureaucracy of it all but
more importantly the formation of your soul for this sacrament.
My role as your Preparing Minister is to help you on your
journey home to Heaven. This means that
I can only represent the Catholic approach to the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony,
which was instituted by Christ. God
instituted marriage at the beginning of time, but it was Christ who elevated
married to the dignity of a sacrament. As
Catholics, we are called to be different from how the world views marriage and
called to be married in the Church since to whom much is given much will be
expected.
Your role as an engaged couple is so wonderfully unique. Neither of you have prepared for a Catholic
wedding, so this is exciting. As you
know, it is different than a non-Catholic wedding. The correct approach to the Sacrament of
Matrimony is that, during the engagement process, all sexual activity belongs properly
in the Sacrament of Matrimony when two baptized Catholics take their vows before
God and the altar with the priest. In the
Catholic Church, for two baptized Catholics to either marry civilly and/or live
together (cohabit) before marriage is the opposite of this call. (This is why it is necessary to have the Lack
of Form Annulment done for _______, because for a baptized Catholic to be married
civilly shows that one did not at the time properly understand the Catholic
teaching on marriage.) During this stage
of your engagement period, we want to build a strong foundation by inviting you
to not marry civilly and/or even cohabit together until the day of your marriage.
As I mentioned, it is Lent, so it is a
time for a new chapter. And we want to
get the foundation strong! That is why I
write this heart-felt letter: Regardless of the past, we now want to look
forward to the future where you are including God in your engagement period. From the point of view of your whole lives in
the future together, the engagement period will be but a blink of the eye. The foundation will be weakened with a civil
marriage and/or cohabiting situation and this irregular situation you would put
yourselves in can also jeopardize one’s salvation.
On a personal note, as you may know, in the Catholic Church,
permanent deacons are permitted to have one wife and children. Most priests are celibate, but deacons can have
a family, so I share this with you as your Preparing Minister. When my then-fiancé and I were engaged in
2002, we like you had to face many issues such as opportunities for us to
cohabit and even marry civilly over a one-year engagement period since this
would have allowed financial benefits.
But we did not cohabit or marry civilly.
The deacon who prepared us for marriage reinforced this Catholic
teaching. I mention this because it is
possible even in our modern times to follow the Catholic teaching about not
marrying civilly or cohabitating.
Canonically speaking (i.e., church law) or procedures-wise,
I know one can ask whether marrying civilly now can possibly affect whether St. _______ Cathedral will allow you to move forward there. This would be a question up to the cathedral
priest. I’ve prepared only a couple of
people for the sacraments in Europe and am not too familiar with how things are
done there. If you were to marry civilly,
the priest may say that you are in an “irregular situation” over the next year and
will then change your case to have your civil marriage “convalidated.” The engagement period would be referred to as
“irregular” where you would have to refrain from Holy Communion until your
Catholic marriage date next year. This
is not excommunication, but the priest or deacon preparing you may ask you to
not receive Holy Communion if you are living in sin by marrying civilly. I have heard of priests that have done things
like this. Additionally, the Preparing
Minister can make comments about the couple not understanding marriage in the
marriage prep file, and this actually can be grounds for an invalid marriage if
you were informed but still choose to marry civilly. As you can see, this is a very big decision
that both of you are making. The
Catholic Church considers what you are doing very sacred and serious, unlike
the State which doesn’t really care about these eternal things.
As you know, things can be communicated differently when in
writing or phone as opposed to in person.
So please know that I wrote all these things with as much love and
pastoral charity as possible, and I say all these things for your good in this
life and your salvation in the next life.
You are a brother in Christ and a sister in Christ, and I will do my
utmost to guide you along the Catholic way of life. The Church can only propose, not impose. I do hope that you consider even further the Catholic
approach to courtship and marriage. Perhaps
in the past the correct understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony was not explained
to you. And if you were not informed then
you are not as culpable for this compared to if you were informed about the
correct Catholic understanding of marriage. But now
you are aware of the Catholic teaching.
As I close my heart-felt letter, I ask Mary, the Woman at
the Wedding Feast of Cana in John Chapter 2.
It was because of Mary that Jesus helped the couple for their wedding
day. Jesus and Mary show us that they
are with us even today. When the “wine” of
your material and spiritual needs run out, let us ask the Mother of Jesus to
assist you, especially over this next year.
May your engagement period and future marriage before God and His Church
be consecrated to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. May St. Patrick, the great patron saint of
Ireland, the land of saints and martyrs, intercede for you.
Your Servant and Brother Always,
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